shopping spiral & my gratitude toolbox

a few examples of #closet365 so far!  

Here's a fun thing about addictions: many of them are born out of avoidance!  This is maybe most obvious when it comes to drinking.  We have a bad day at work, we use it to justify happy hour with a coworker, for a few hours we forget about (but not solve! this is key!) our professional woes.  And yes, for a few blissful hours, your problems are blurred but in the end they're still there, you're slightly worse for the wear and less able to deal with them. 

I replicated this pattern roughly 10 times a day at work, with online shopping.  I was - am - a bit scared to write this (and admit to scrolling freepeople.com whilst I am meant to be working!  the horror!) but I'm fairly sure 99% of the working world does this as well - in fact, upon announcing my intent to not shop for a year, a coworker actually asked me "what will you do during lulls at work?"

The truth is I had become accustomed to numbing feelings of inadequacy with a quick look at Nordstrom, and mindlessly interrupting a less exciting task with a click at the new arrivals section of Anthropologie.  Before I knew it what was a fun, diverting pastime for most became a full blown addiction for me.  Do I think most people who shop at work are shopping addicts?  NOPE.  But I know, from knowing myself as well as one can at 30 years old that I was, because I don't do ANYTHING in moderation.  My brain just doesn't work that way.  I've had a string of hobbies too long to list.  Only a few persist as a daily practice and it's taken me a very long time to come to understand that it's okay if I do many things sporadically and only a few consistently.  I don't have to eat vegan/rock climb/run/do yoga/read a book/meditate/do a craft/meal plan/take a long walk/go to the playground/etc all in one day or even one week! Or even month!

All this is important, since because my mind tends to become totally consumed by whatever my current focus is, and I was doing a lot of shopping.  That meant that a LOT of my daily brainpower was devoted to something that was not helping me, and definitely hurting me financially and personally.

Which is why instead of saying I'd "shop less" or "not shop for a month" I decided to quit for a full year.  With guidelines.  I know that my brain will do best at this with some THICK, HARD LINES that I simply do not allow myself to cross.  It's the only way I've given things up in the past - I can't explain why, but usually I just reach a point where a switch flips in my brain, and it becomes relatively easy to say no more.

Saving money is a given, but the thing I most hope to get out of this experiment is time.  It's been a busy weekend so perhaps too soon to tell, but I already feel more peaceful living in a bubble of "I don't shop, so why even look."  It makes me feel slightly impervious to the near constant marketing of product we're subjected to America - make that the world - and that in and of itself is incredibly calming for me mentally.  I'm already prone to anxiety, and with this switch I am sparing my brain of the "should I get this, okay get it before it sells out, does it fit me correctly?  Hmmmm I need to exchange for a different size. Ok, I like this a lot maybe I should get another color?"

I would like to quickly say that I know undertaking this kind of thing at all is a display of extreme privilege.  For many people the idea of "giving up shopping" doesn't make much sense at all given that they're naturally excluded from the activity due to lack of funds.  Not that this should stop me doing it, but I want to at least say that I'm aware of it.  I realize this is essentially a champagne problem.  Not shopping in general has an effect of making you consider what you have, which is an exercise in happiness 10x over.  If you haven't yet, check out one of many studies supporting the idea that the key to happiness is gratitude.  I'm a big fan of the five minute journal for this in general, but there's something else I use for my weak spot, clothing, in particular.  

I'm fairly obsessed with the Finery App (not sponsored and it's free) which catalogs your wardrobe by combing your email for receipts and purchases.  You can add items not found in your email with a browser button similar to the "pin it" button on Pinterest.  With just a few manual additions I could see everything I owned.  Which, by the way, was A LOT.  I have a lot of clothes.  Many clothes.  More than any person honestly needs, probably more than many people want.  In fact, before I started this experiment I actually went through my Finery app and decided to return a few things including that plaid blazer pictured above because it is too big for me, sadly.  Finery also sends you alerts when the return window for purchases is closing!  Also, I can create outfits Cher Horowitz style and who didn't always want her closet after seeing it in Clueless?  The only thing Finery is missing is the "MISMATCH!" 

project #1 - a year of no shopping

There's absolutely no way my husband didn't read the title of this entry without rolling his eyes, but you'd be surprised what I can accomplish when I set my mind to it.  

Although I am inwardly freaking out. A year is a long time.  So let's lay down some ground rules, shall we?  

Inspired by THIS article by Ann Patchett (author of Commonwealth, which you should read!!)  I have decided to take a year off of shopping.  There are a lot of reasons for this, but here are a few; 

1.  I'd like to get out of debt.  This is possible if and only if I quit buying so many damn clothes.  I’m tired of throwing credit card companies interest money.  

2.  I'd like to take my daughter to Disney World while she's 5.  That shit's EXPENSIVE.  

3. I'd like to stop fighting with my husband about money.  It's essentially the only thing we fight about.  Think about what a UTOPIA my marriage could be without those fights!  

4. This might sound counterintuitive, but I’d like to know what it’s like to have spare cash to pay for anything that comes up.  Want to go to Mexico City with my best friend?  Sure, i can afford that.  Rock climbing class?  Let’s do it.  Sam Smith is in town?  Why not.  These are all actual, real examples of things that have come up for me in the past year that I’ve had to say no to because i bought one too many pairs of shoes the past month.  Life experience > shoes.  

Okay so now that I’ve defined my why (the most important part!!!) time to outline the how.  

Again, inspired by Ann Patchett’s article, here are my guidelines: 

1. I start today, October 24th.  This is to head off any impending feelings of “oh no i better buy XYZ before my no shopping year starts.” Starting on New Year's Day may be poetic, but starting today is practical.  

2. No shopping for anything I can’t buy in a Trader Joe’s like grocery store.  This means nothing i can wear, no electronics, no home decor.  Claire’s clothes will be purchased by Darrell with my creative supervision : ).  I can buy toiletries but only once I’ve completely used up every bit of what i already have.  Plane and concert tickets are okay; new pajamas are not.  Grocery store flowers are okay, books are not unless the library doesn't have it.  

3. If there’s a dire need for something (my bra wire comes out, I break a heel or rip a seam, I lose a sock mate) I can have it repaired or Darrell can approve the purchase of a replacement, whatever is more cost effective.  

That's it!  Three simple rules!  

I was raised Catholic and spent 6 years in a Catholic school.  In the same way that a child who grows up with a parent who reads is going to become a bookworm, and a child raised in a bilingual household is probably going to speak two languages, Catholic kids have a talent for giving things up.  I was once vegan for two years - something I was thrown off course with for a myriad of reasons, but would like to get back to eventually.  One thing at a time.  

I lost 15 pounds in the 40 days before Easter Sunday once.  

Even now, no longer a practicing Catholic and more what I suppose would be called "pantheistic" I plan for Lent the way other people plan for vacations: "What can I let go?  What good can I add?"  

In an attempt to do what I'd consider to be a bit of a psychological flip, I'll be doing a bit of a challenge on this blog and my Instagram (@hayes_etc) that I'm calling the #closet365, meaning I'll post here and/or on Instagram what I make of my wardrobe all year.  Will I get out of leggings EVERY day? Absolutely not.  I'll only be posting what I consider to be full looks.  By framing this exercise as "maximizing my closet" rather than "cutting out shopping" my brain feels like I'm adding something, not taking something away - I really believe in that philosophy.  Kind of like if you're vegetarian and you decide to "eat more vegetables" rather than "eat no meat."  

Also, expect a few (not preachy or judgmental) posts about my personal experience with quitting alcohol now that I'm finally feeling solid and ready to talk about it.  

On to outfit #1!  

I can link either the exact item pictured or something similar, what are your thoughts?  

Coat - 2016 J.Crew, Dress - Gal Meets Glam, Turtleneck - J.Crew, Shoes - Manolo Blahnik BB (purchased on therealreal.com), Bag - Mark Cross Grace Box bag, vintage, or you can shop it new here

ps - for now, I don't plan to use any affiliate links or anything to make money off of this site.  So, you can click all links knowing I won't make a penny.  Just a heads up!

more life, less stuff

"tap tap"
Is this thing on?  

I missed this space and wasn't really sure how to jump back into blogging after such a long silence.  Life has changed so much - I stepped away from this blog when Claire was just barely three and now she's 4.5 so, it's been a while.  I also chopped all my hair off and dyed it red!  I got my nose pierced!  And a little over three months ago, I quit drinking alcohol (for good).  

So much of my life has been focused on improving myself, my family, and my environment by adding something to it (a new meditation routine, updated skincare, a new dress, a new hobby) that I think sometimes I've gotten caught up in not living my life as it is.  It's not an uncommon refrain - do you know how many copies have sold of "The Power of Now?"  3 million in just North America!!! 

(Great book by the way.  I highly recommend.  You can find it here.)

When I quit drinking, I was prompted to make that decision by something posted by a blogger and writer I follow named Holly Whittaker.  She runs a recovery compendium and website called The Temper, and I was following her looooong (two years!!!) before I actually decided to go and get sober.  I think there's always been a part of me that knew that alcohol was keeping me from living my best life.  Let's just say her and I have a lot in common.  A LOT.  

On her blog she had written what she called the "hip sobriety manifesto" and although the entire thing resonated with me, there's something specific that I've been thinking about more deeply lately.  She writes: 

"The only questions you need to ask are whether drinking alcohol is getting in the way of your dreams in this one life you have been given, and how much longer you're willing to settle for that."

My answer to that question was unequivocally YES, and not much longer.

But what if I replaced "drinking alcohol" with "eating sugar."

or "consuming animal products"

or "being in debt" 

or "letting my anxiety drive my decision making?"  

So much of what I wanted in life was on the other side of alcohol - a better marriage, more confidence in my mothering abilities, less anxiety, better sleep, more motivation at work, less stress about my weight, better skin, reading more, you name it.  This in turn of course has made me wonder;  

What's on the other side of my compulsive shopping? 

What's on the other side of my addiction to caffeine and sugar?  

What can I cut out of my life to add more to it?  

There are still a lot of things I'm settling for, because it just seems scary to deal with them; they're coping mechanisms I've built up so that I don't have to 100% show up to deal with my life, day in day out, and I don't know if it's because I've just turned 30 or if it's because I've seen my life transform in ways I never imagined it could since getting sober and I'm curious to see how magical this existence can get, but I feel (somewhat) ready to take them on.  

Stay tuned for project #1.  

  

fitness favorites

 I thought it would be fun to do a little update on my fitness routine lately, since I'm always switching it up and trying new things!  I've done a complete 180 from what I was doing last winter, so I'll run through why I changed it up and how it's working for me, plus a little of my favorite fitness gear right now.  

 

 Pullover // Leggings // Sneakers // Bag 

Last fall I had decided to complete Kayla Itsines' "BBG" workouts, which are high intensity plyometric bodyweight circuits that basically kill you in 28 minutes.  They improved my physical capabilities quite a bit - if you'd asked me to drop and do 50 pushups, I would've been able to, no questions asked - but they left me looking a little bit weak and not all that strong, appearance wise.  It wasn't a look I was a fan of, I actually felt that program caused me to lose some of my muscle mass, so I decided to jump into lifting heavy weights after that in the spring, with the help of a trainer.  I was also counting macros (strategically planning my food) in order to lose fat and gain muscle simultaneously. This was probably the most effective workout plan I had ever done, and I really enjoyed it.  However, it was time consuming - meal planning was required, and I had to get to the gym for 1-1.5 hours each day. 

I still have all the muscle I gained during that time, but since I basically did nothing over the summer to work out - and I mean literally nothing - I gained about 10 pounds of body fat back.  This is obviously not something that's the end of the world, but it is something I'd like to fix.   I'm planning to use the same method of counting macros (here's a quick primer on that!) to "cut" a little bit while focusing my workouts mainly on three things: 

Running, specifically trail running.  Yoga & Barre classes (to me, these accomplish the same thing and aren't so much cardio as they are bodyweight strength training) and HIIT classes that involve a mix of cardio and strength circuits.  

My favorite HIIT classes in the St Louis area would have to be Shred415, Fitness Formula, and Orange Theory but there are SO many and I've only scratched the surface with my classpass membership.  I did a previous post on my favorite yoga studios in St Louis, but its really old and definitely needs updating, so stay tuned for a revamp!  I'm also currently trying out every single (yup, EVERY single) barre studio in St Louis and I'll report back on those too!  

Pants // Bra

 

 

Pullover // Crops // Shoes

My latest favorite exercise would HAVE to be trail running.  In general I always prefer outdoor running,  and this just takes it to an extreme.  Adding in elements of hills, agility navigating rocky or uneven terrain, and weather of all kinds makes it a more full body workout and DEFINITELY incorporates more strength building.  I'm signed up for a 10 week series (10 Saturday mornings at 7:30 am, eek!!) and I am so excited to get started.  There's actually room to sign up for this still if you're interested in trail running!  It's through Fleet Feet in St Louis, and info for that is here.  

If you have any questions about my fitness routine at all, just leave me a comment or email me via the links in my sidebar!  I'd love to hear your thoughts or if there's any one thing you're really into?  Should I try aerial yoga?  Core surf?  A new dance class?  What's getting you moving lately?  

pink coats and velvet shoes

Lady Day Coat // Velvet Mules, more sizes here // Cream Funnel Neck Shell // Faux Suede Skirt, also love this one // Signet Bag

We shot these photos on what I'll probably remember as the last warm day (it hit 80 this day!!) and I know I'll be eating these words in February, but I wasn't sad to see the warmth go.  I'm one of these crazy people who likes to start enjoying the holidays the minute Halloween is over - admittedly not my favorite, Halloween - and I just can't do that when it's 80 degrees outside!  I want holiday Starbucks cups, not t shirts and shorts.  

This outfit is one that I'll definitely be wearing with tights (favorite tights ever right here, by the way) in the coming months, and this little bag has been on repeat - it's by J.Crew, and I love that you can have it monogrammed.  It feels so luxe, but it's actually under $130 (and you can usually find a promo code to make it even less!)