awkward and awesome

Awkward: 

Fitz’ incredible ability to puke wherever we don’t place the protective towel in the backseat of the car.  We can cover every surface possible, and he will make an effort to screw it up and puke right on my car seats. I pretty much just laugh every time someone warns me about baby spit-up like it’s the most awful thing ever.  

Baby girl keeps measuring large…..like 80th percentile.  I have this lovely birthing plan that involves hypnotherapy & all-natural birthing etc, but no judging me if I scrap all that to get induced early if my OB offers, I have no interest in birthing a 10 lb baby.    "Birth plan" is kind of an oxymoron anyways, right?  

Any potential answers to the questions “are you hating being so pregnant?  Aren’t you uncomfortable yet?”  I mean…..awkward.  I actually feel pretty great - pregnant, but great - and also, I prayed for this baby.  I am grateful to be pregnant.  I try to reserve any complaining solely for my husband.  

I am hot ALL the time.  This is easily remedied by blasting the air conditioning, but poor Darrell may eventually take to sleeping in a parka.  He let me win that fight though, good man that he is.  

Hitting the belly on every single thing possible!  Getting something out of the fridge?  I am probably hitting the baby with the fridge door.  Walking into a door?  If I don’t open it fast enough, the bump hits it before it opens.  Getting into a restaurant booth?  The condiments are lucky if they make it out intact.  My spatial awareness is at a solid zero.  I’m sure next week I’ll be telling you how my belly finally hit a small child in the head.  Yes, I say "my belly" and not "I" because I'm pretty sure this thing has a mind of its own.  

Awesome: 

Our weekend at the lake.  I cannot say how nice it was to have three days on the water.  Even though I worked on Friday, it was incredibly nice to have a change of scenery. The weather cooperated perfectly & we got to get out on the boat - no bikinis, but there were mocktails!  

In the waiting room for my doc appt last week there were two children: a well behaved little girl and a, well, rowdy little boy.  Both were adorable, but the little girl had this absolutely hilarious and judgmental expression of "you filthy hooligan" towards the boy for my entire wait.  

Gap Outlet sales - we got Darrell 6 pieces of clothing I believe for about $60, and a hat for the baby.  One pair of pants was $3!  Shopping for boys is just about the most fun thing ever, am I right?  

Iced tea & lemonade.  This is my favorite right now, in addition to alllll the fruit - all I need is watermelon & peaches to be in season and I may quit eating anything else. Actually who am I kidding, there will obviously still be chocolate & tacos.  

My belly button is still in!  I mean, it’s hanging on for dear life I’m sure, but it looks like we might just make it to the end without an outie.  

I took Fitz for a walk yesterday, and I DID bring a dog bag, but of course he managed to poop twice, the second time directly as the owner of the house in front of his chosen sidewalk space came walking out of the door.  I was about to be fully mortified at having to leave it there, but just then my hero came to save the day in the form of another dog walker with extra bags.  

All my Sonnet James dresses - holy comfortable, stretchy, and flattering.  I pretty much ordered all the ones I wanted when they first went up for pre-order, and now I wish I had just ordered them all.  They are probably some of the best pieces of clothing I have ever had - I’ll be looking forward to every collection from now on.  

lessons for my daughter

Earlier today, Darrell sent me a rather horrifying (and graphic) article he stumbled upon on Jezebel.  Yes my husband is quite the feminist, and he reads Jezebel.  Here is the article, if you feel so inclined.  His only comment to me was "this is why I'm terrified to have a girl."  Not that he in any way expects our daughter to be like THAT girl, but I understand where he's coming from.  It's tough to be a girl these days - especially when the pool is already filled with people like her; girls who don't exactly represent the best of their kind, but certainly seem to be shoved in your face often enough.  

I could've let it freak me out, and just wondered how there could be any hope for Claire to rise higher than that.  But then I realized: this is our charge in having a daughter.  The world is somehow in need of great women.  Not that we don't already have some!  Hilary Clinton, Malala Yousafzai, and Jennifer Lawrence all come to mind fairly easily.  But for every Oprah there's a Kardashian (or seven) and for every Kristen Gillibrand, a Courtney Stodden.  Our job, as parents, is to teach her which of these women to direct her attention to, and what to take away from their examples.  More importantly, my biggest job is to BE an example.  So although she's not even born yet, and for years won't think of much beyond when I'll be feeding her next, how many times I'll let her re-watch the latest Disney movie, and what Santa is going to bring her, here are the things I'm already hoping she'll learn from me & Darrell.  I realize this list is rather lengthy and my expectations are high, but the world is in need of really excellent women, and these are my hopes for raising one.  

I hope that we can teach her.....

to see the wonder in reading, more than the mindlessness of absorbing a television show, and find herself and her friends in every book I give her.  I hope she'll learn that it's okay to be a dreamer like Anne of Green Gables, as hopeful as Sarah Crewe, and as smart as Hermione Granger.  The world certainly needs more Hermiones.  

to be happy with her body, not as a result of starving herself to "thin enough" but from teaching her about how eating healthy can be wonderful, but so can the occasional cupcake.  Especially if said cupcake is eaten on the same day a long walk is taken.  

that being pretty isn't a preclusion to being kind.  I want her to know that she can be beautiful, but that the attention that comes with being beautiful should only ever be used for good - no matter how much easier it seems to be the "mean girl," especially when you're in 7th grade.  

that what goes on the internet will be there forever.  Period.  

what the world really looks like.  It is eye opening to travel, and see places that you only ever saw in photos and books.  I want to take her abroad from the earliest age I think she'll possibly absorb it, because seeing those people - the ones you basically write off as imaginary until you see them living, breathing, caring about their lives just as much as you do yours - makes anyone a more compassionate and aware person. 

that no, I won't be surprised or disappointed in her if she goes to a party, drinks some cheap beer, and someday dates a boy her father and I don't approve of.  In fact, I'd like to teach her just how alcohol works at the dinner table at home, and not have her find out on Saturday night from the boy pouring keg beer.  We all have to do those things to learn.  What matters is that she makes her own choices.  Learning not to just follow the crowd, especially when the crowd's direction is making her uncomfortable, is the most important lesson of all.  

that she can become anything she wants in life - but it would be best if that "thing" was something she strove for because it makes her happy, not because it makes the most money or sounds the best on paper.  Also, sometimes the thing that makes you happy is just going to work so that you can bring home enough money to have the best time with the ones you love once you're off for the night.  That's okay too, and it's not just me being boring and realistic.  

Sometimes that's what you call living the dream - a couch + a baby + the man you love, and maybe a little Downton Abbey and ice cream too.  At least....that's pretty much my idea of the dream right now.  

Claire, we are so ready to meet you.  

awkward and awesome tuesday

wearing: sweater - gap, jeans - j brand, shoes - keds, scarf - jane.com

Awkward: 

Darrell had a bowl of goldfish out on the coffee table, and when he looked away for a second Fitz pretty much licked the bowl clean.  He moved the bowl away, dejected that his snack had pretty much been ruined, and then promptly forgot the whole thing happened about 10 minutes later and started eating what was left.....which was tainted with dog spit.  

Baby brain....this past week I: 

1.  Left my dog at the office.  Again.  

2.  Tried to throw my favorite West Elm tea towel in the trash because???

3.  Drove to my aunt's house while attempting to pick up my dog from the groomer for absolutely no reason.  

Those freaking kids carts at Trader Joe's.  I saw no less than three kids have a meltdown involving one, and almost got mowed down several times by toddlers.  Trader Joe's, please get rid of these before Claire is old enough to want to use one.  All the parents hate them, and all the childless shoppers look mean for glaring at the parents who let their kids run buck wild with them.  I just want to buy my chia seeds and get out!  

I had jury duty this past week, and while waiting outside of a potential courtroom with my fellow "number called" jurors, NOT ONE PERSON offered to give me their seat on one of the limited benches.  I was the only pregnant person there, and not that I desperately hate sitting on the floor or anything, but I thought people in the midwest were supposed to be polite?  

Awesome: 

I am IN with the new doctor!  Hooray for having proper medical care!  Seriously though, if I never talk to another health insurance agent again, I'm fine with that.  

Trader Joe's has daffodils again!  And they've even started blooming in our neighborhood.  Sometimes the small things are the big things.  

Speaking of springy things, have you seen the forecast?  I think we're finally out of the 50s.  For GOOD hopefully.  

Popsicles and berries.  I constantly crave cold, icy, fruity things - I'm thinking the end of this pregnancy being in the spring and summer is going to be a very good thing, otherwise I'd have Darrell hunting the whole of St. Louis for decent strawberries.  

awkward and awesome tuesday

Because what do you do when 3 good photos of you are taken while you're pregnant?  You post all of them, obviously.  

wearing: top - jojo maman bebe, jeans - old navy, necklace - ebay, flats - tory burch via ebay

Awkward: 

I wore a new maxi dress to the office last week, not realizing that the back had a nice big cutout opening.  I hope everyone enjoyed the view of the bra straps I rearranged to be criss-crossed so that they'd be "hidden."  

Waking up in the middle of the night to pee, I decided to do that move where you swing your legs to use momentum to sit upright (that made sense, right?)  Well, it totally backfired with my pregnant belly in the equation, and I pretty much flopped right back onto my back.  I now know what it feels like to be a turtle.  

I wore my brand new coral colored J.Brand maternity pants to an outdoor party and I was feeling pretty cute considering I was the token pregnant girl until my friend's sweet puppy jumped up on me and smeared dirt on his paws from my thighs to shins.  This was the moment Darrell chose to point out that "I should get used to being messy because soon it will just be baby puke" annnnnnnnd let's just say I was not amused.  

Awesome: 

Baby girl moves pretty much all the time now (enough that I'm worried how much she'll sleep when she's here) but I still think this goes in the awesome category because it makes me feel like we just hang out all day long.  It's also much easier for Darrell to feel her kick, and she likes to kick his hand on purpose when he's waiting to feel her.  Now if only I could get her to do the same for other people!  

Spray tans.  I know this is about as shallow as it gets, but for some reason everything just looks nicer when you're tan, and that still applies when you're pregnant.  Especially (weirdly?) to the bump.  The bump likes to be tan!  

Spring weather!! It was so warm on Saturday that I was actually hot in jeans and a very springy light sweater.  It seriously needs to never get cold again - and if it does, I'll just continue to wear spring clothes in protest.  

And since it wouldn't even really be an "awkward & awesome" without whatever food I'm obsessed with right now, this week it's root beer floats.  We made a couple Saturday night and ate them in bed.....which we were in by 9:30.  

awkward & awesome tuesday

wearing: tunic - old navy, jeans - gap, wedges - vince camuto, very similar, bracelets - jcrew factory & coach (very old)

Awkward: 

The dude who creepily flirt-waved at me in the oil change line.  After ignoring you and staring straight ahead until one of us pulled into the bay, it was good and funny when I walked into the waiting room 6 months pregnant.   

My spatial awareness.  The bump has taken over and I whacked Darrell with our shopping basket no less than 5 times during a recent grocery trip.  Sorry babe....

I accidentally hung one of my maternity shirts in Darrell's closet this week.  Not a good sign for how big I'm getting.  

Calling my insurance company and the hospital FOUR TIMES EACH just to get a billing issue figured out, and having someone tell me something different each time.  This was more awful than awkward.  I'm now officially nervous for the aftermath of every appointment - this was one code entered incorrectly and suddenly I owe $500 instead of my usual $50.  Here's hoping I get it officially resolved ASAP.  

Awesome: 

Discovering jane.com.  It's like Groopdealz only better!  I had been coveting the necklace from THIS blog post forever (also, that blogger's style is just so good), and never could find it.  One day it just popped up in my daily deals email for TEN DOLLARS.  Shopping cart, checkout, done.  

J. Brand Maternity jeans on peainthepod.com buy one get one free this week.  For the colored jeans, which are totally adorable for spring.  I got mint & coral!  

Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  I'm not even ashamed to say that I had it for dinner twice this week.  

Shopping for baby clothes with my mom & sis!  So much cuteness.  Although I may be the least fun person to shop with for baby clothes - to say I'm picky would be an understatement.  Call me crazy, but I think bows the size of my fist are really gilding the lily when it comes to babies.  

(For the record, my favorite stores so far have been Janie & Jack, Old Navy, J.Crew, and Baby Gap.  

awkward & awesome tuesday

Awkward: 

One morning this week I managed to not only burn my oatmeal on the stove, but also melt the spoon I was cooking it with.  I'm apparently very distracted.  

The bra fitting lady at Nordstrom who just was totally unwilling to leave the fitting room because she needed to help me get the bras on?  I am really not that much of a prude, and I understand the benefit of showing her how they're fitting, but just the act of getting them off and on is something I would like to do ALONE.  

Correcting our guest yoga teacher (aka "Top 12 Young Yoga Teachers in America" according to Yoga Journal freaking magazine) Darren Rhodes during class when he tried to mess with my pregnancy modification with a blunt "dude, I'm 6 months pregnant."  Obviously, but there were surely better ways to say that than loudly and abruptly.  

Yelling at your husband from the kitchen "so babe, you about ready for bed?" at which point he reminds you "uh, Mary, it's 8:05."

***awkward update: Per the item below, I'm wrong, the time change isn't until NEXT weekend.  Cue tears . 

Awesome: 

We got a little hit of 60 degree weather last week.  I could be bitter that it was fleeting, but I'm choosing to just be thrilled it happened at all.  It was a nice reminder that spring will come eventually.  

Yoga teacher training finished this past weekend!  It's been fun, but I am so very ready to have my weekends back to myself.  Also, I'm now a certified yoga teacher!  

True Detective.  Have you seen it yet?  Darrell & I are on a real streak with finding TV series we both love, and this is our latest "OMG Saturday nights in with pizza and this show are the best thing ever" discover.  

The manicure & pedicure I'm going to get tonight.  I'm normally a do it at home to save $$$ kind of girl, but that rule is being put on hold due to the fact that reaching my feet has become somewhat of an ordeal.  

Spring forward is this weekend!  The time change makes it more real - it's a fact.  

maternity style 10

wearing: dress - forever21, similar, coat - bb dakota, similar, boots - frye, similar, scarf - h&m, similar, leggings - old navy maternity, belt - Darrell's from j.crew

 I woke up at 5 am this morning, for no real reason at all.  I didn't have a bad dream, no anxiety happening.  Just awake.  I read about this happening during pregnancy but I hope it doesn't continue, because I'll probably be a legitimate zombie by 3 pm.  Either way, mostly what I was wondering was what the heck you do at 5 am when it's freezing out?  

Apparently, if you're me you watch the Bachelor (which is just okay this season, and I kind of hate Juan Pablo) and Pretty Little Liars (I clearly have impeccable taste in television), then you pay some bills online, write a blog post, and drive to Hardee's for a breakfast sandwich and orange juice.  And now we're going to end this ramble of a post with my weekly "please spring get here soon" complaint, and just hope that next week's forecast of temperatures in the 60s is real and not just a cruel joke.  

maternity style 08

wearing: coat - jcrew (on sale for $100!), sweater - pink blush, sold out but they have it in pink, jeans - j brand via ebay, shoes - tory burch also via ebay, scarf - target, sold out but i also really want it in navy

Since we're headed into that part of winter where everyone is officially SICK of winter, I've been really drawn to wearing bright colors, pretty much non-stop.  This coat has been on constant rotation, and it's also thankfully one of the coats I have left that will button over the bump.  I just keep thinking, if I can make it until March with at least one coat that will close in the front, I'll be set.  

Pink Blush Maternity continues to be my favorite place ever to buy tops that are no only long enough but really cute, and my search for the perfect maternity jeans has completely ended with these J. Brands.  I was skeptical - I actually did a post a while back about how I didn't think they could possibly be better than the Gap jeans......but I was wrong.  They are crazy expensive, but there are always a few pairs on eBay and if there is one time to buy your clothes on eBay, I think it's while you're pregnant.  They run true to size - Shopbop has some wonky sizing system listed, but thanks to some guidance from Grace I ordered my usual 28 and I love them oh so much.  Note: the denim dye totally bleeds.  Wash them in hot water, then cold, no detergent before you wear them!  My hands were so blue by Saturday night our waiter asked me if I was a painter.  

awkward and awesome tuesday

Awkward: 

Touring daycare/preschools for your unborn child.  There's no way to make the "date of birth" question on the application not weird.  

The stage of pregnancy where no one wants to actively comment on the fact that you look pregnant.  I know they say you're not supposed to say anything, but at this point it would be nice if strangers would just start with that, rather than making me assume I just look like the kind of person who accumulates all extra fat in my stomach.  

We rearranged our entire apartment last week, and now our bedroom is in our former dining room.  We love it, but with our bed centered in the room now instead of pushed up against the wall I keep falling off the bed!  Ridiculous, I know, but apparently I had just become really accustomed to laying on my pregnancy pillow against the wall.  

The food I ate Sunday: Donut for breakfast, french fries & M&Ms for a snack, a lunch of basically casserole at a late family Christmas celebration, and tacos for dinner.  Sooooo sorry baby girl.  In my defense, it was mostly circumstantial and not cravings related...

Awesome: 

Putting together the baby's crib with ZERO drama.  My mom bought us this beautiful Pottery Barn crib, and it literally came in only 5 pieces: ends, sides, and the mattress base.  That was an experience I thought involved squabbling over assembly instructions for sure, but it ended up being so easy and fun to put together with Darrell.  

Speaking of Pottery Barn, we got the rug we wanted for baby's room 20% off this weekend, and they basically NEVER have sales.  Hooray for saving $80!  In the world of way cheaper rugs, we bought this Target beauty for our bedroom, and it is basically my favorite thing in our apartment.  It's so soft sometimes I just squish my toes in a little while I'm putting on my makeup in the morning.  

Baby girl decided to stop attacking my skin with hormones - it's finally back to its usual, drama free state!! I've always been lucky to have easy skin - my entire routine is usually washing my face when I shower with Clean & Clear Morning Burst...and that's it.  But thanks to pregnancy I had bad teenager skin for a few weeks there and was basically clueless as to what to do, so thank goodness it was a temporary flux.  

It was 50 degrees on Sunday, and even though we're in Polar Vortex #2 this week, it was nice to actually get outside and walk the dog.  Only 51 days until spring!  

Lastly, my favorite awesome this week is knowing Baby Hayes is a girl.  It makes such a difference in my ability to connect with her, now that I can really picture her as a little person.  We love calling her by name....which we'll be sharing soon!  

maternity style 07

wearing: sweater & dress - f21, boots - hunter, belt - j.crew factory, fur scarf - express (similar)

The snow finally started to melt this week, which means the only viable footwear choice I have is my trusty Hunter boots.  Snow slush has to be the worst thing in the world, right?  You're just walking along, and you're 99% sure that what you're stepping into is just blackened sidewalk, and then you're 5 inches deep in dirty mush.  I'm trying not to complain because really, I'm just grateful we can all drive our cars again, but I think this has been my least favorite January weather of all time.  I'm sure I say that every year.  We can all agree that January and February are the worst months of the year, right?  

In fact, I think this pretty much sums it up: 

awkward and awesome tuesday

wearing: sweater & jeans - gap maternity, wedges - tory burch via ebay

Awkward: 

Having to pee all.  the.  time.  I'm starting to feel like if I'm going to drink something, I may as well just drink it in the bathroom.   

Having a really, really terrible poker face while apartment hunting. I cannot contain my "I love its!"  when we're in a place we really like and I am sure this works against me but come on: could you contain your excitement if you found your dream home and it happened to have a fireplace in every room!?  

The sad & inadvertently rude alternative to my un-hideable excited face when apartment hunting is my equally obvious expression of "um, the pictures on the website lied and also this neighborhood is terrifying."  

Pregnancy nightmares.  This is more awful than awkward, but I wake up twice or so a night in a complete panic over the most realistic and terrible dreams ever.  I've basically quit reading all fiction, watching anything depressing or scary, and it's only gotten worse in the past week or so.  I'm sure it's stress related so that's a whole thing I need to work on, but does anybody have a secret remedy for this?  Any TV shows that instill happy thought or a vitamin/essential oil combo that worked for you?  I already do yoga & meditate regularly, so I'm looking for some new ideas. 

Awesome: 

Cowboy Bark at Trader Joe's.  If you see it at your store, buy like 5 bags.  Okay, maybe no one else will be quite as obsessed with it as me, but seriously this stuff is amazing.  Chocolate, topped with toffee bits, almonds, pretzels, Joe Joe's cookies, sea salt, and peanuts.  SO GOOD.  

We find out the gender of the baby on Thursday, and I could not be more excited or anxious.  It feels more real by the second.  

My cousin's daughter took her very first steps this weekend at our belated "Christmas" celebration this past weekend with the ENTIRE family there.  It was truly special - how many people can say that their child took her first steps with all their loved ones proudly watching?  The look on her face when everyone clapped and cheered was truly priceless.  

The snow finally melted, and it's 55 degrees here right now!  I think it's short lived, but I still plan to enjoy it while it lasts.  

GIRLS premiere parties where literally everyone shows up with a different kind of cheese or chocolate.  I'm sure my friend didn't specifically have me in mind when she devised this get together, but now I think it should be repeated every week.  Basically the pregnant girl's ideal way to socialize.  

maternity style 06

wearing: asos maternity top (sadly out of stock), gap jeans, old navy coat (old), jcrew wedges that are WAY on sale and awesomely comfy, and jcrew factory necklace

After an amazing brunch at West End Grill & Pub, we headed to the park to take some pictures in the freezing cold - or what we thought was the freezing cold.  Monday it was a high of ONE, and the entire city got drowned in snow.  Basically I was asking for it by complaining on this day.    

Boring weather talk aside, I think stripes are just about my favorite thing on a pregnant belly.  They make a bump stand out, always look classic, and pretty much match anything.  Also, I would've worn this outfit from head to toe before I was pregnant, and that's something I'm doing my best to keep up until baby arrives.  

awkward & awesome tuesday

Awkward: 

My husband decided to go on a hardcore paleo type of diet this week, and told me I'd have to either go along with it when making dinner, or he'd cook his own food.  Um hi, I'm your pregnant wife, have we met?  

Staying up WAY too late to DD some friends on New Year's Eve, then feeling worse than everyone who was actually hungover.  Me and 2 am won't be meeting again until this baby is here to wake me up.  Midnight is my LIMIT.  

Doing laundry, and not finishing it until the new pile is big enough that I need to do laundry again...oops.  

Spilling the absolutely worst thing ever: an entire jar of honey.  ALL over the kitchen floor, which may never be un-sticky again.  

Awesome: 

The midwest snow storm that got teacher training canceled on Sunday.  Sure, we have to make it up, but is there anything better than sleeping in and watching movies all day on an unexpected snow day?  

Baby kicks.  Nothing like it, and they are just the best.  Can't wait until they start happening more frequently.  

My house is (well, was before the honey incident) SO clean.  From now on, Homejoy once ever 6 weeks or so is a must.  I think I'd give up my brunch habit for this.  

Discovering the magic that is J.Crew Factory.  Maternity ensembles tend toward the basic side, and a little extra sparkle is always welcome.  The jewelry looks identical to the amazing and crazy expensive pieces you see on jcrew.com, and for less than half the price.  

on real joy

I've spent a fair amount of time since getting pregnant reading books, blogs, and articles about pregnancy.  In my opinion, too many of them are downright depressing.  There are so few resources that really tell you anything good about being pregnant - for some reason most writers prefer to commiserate instead of congratulate.  I get it, misery loves company (and maybe sells books?), but contrary to what most people think about pregnancy & pregnant women I haven't focused much on how fat I'm getting or how sick I've felt.  I also haven't been all that bothered that I have to pee all the time, or that I can't have a glass of wine.  Of course, I list these types of annoyances in the weekly awkward and awesome posts because a) they're funny & true, and b) I don't want to come off as a permanent ray of sunshine.  Nobody's perfect.    

With that said, I do want to highlight that the most prominent "symptom" of my pregnancy so far has just been joy.  The kind of joy I haven't felt since I was teenager.  Riding in the car with the windows down, summertime holding your boyfriend's hand ecstatic joy that makes your heart soar.  Most often it just hits me for no particular reason at all.  

Before I got pregnant, I had been in sort of a yearlong emotional funk.  Darrell and I had just figured out our lives in a way that felt sort of secure.  We had good jobs, a big group of friends, and an apartment that we really loved.  Everything was good.....but just good.  I felt stagnant, maybe a little "off."  I don't want to sound ungrateful or unaware of other people's real problems, I know how lucky I am.  I'm just sharing my experience.  To explain it better: I would be in a moment where most people would feel that everything was as best it could be - moments where I should feel as wonderful as someone could ever feel, like a wild night out in New Orleans or a summer day during a weekend in Manhattan.  But it would feel sort of....average.  I wasn't sad, not at all upset, not even anxious, really.  Just not as happy as I had remembered feeling before.  I tried to reclaim that level of happiness - I used champagne or bought pretty new dresses to try and get it back, but alcohol and shopping induced happiness isn't usually authentic and I knew it.  Then I started to wonder if that type of emotional high was just a feeling you lost after youth, and maybe adult happiness was more like contentment.  In fact, a lot of articles say that it is, and I'm sure that's partially true for a lot of people.  I'd also like to point out that this is just me I'm talking about here - I am in no way saying that you can't be blissfully happy and childless, or really sad while you're expecting.  I think either is totally normal, and getting pregnant wasn't a solution I used to fix my feelings of imbalance, it was just a wonderful coincidence.    

When I did get pregnant, all of those average feelings became a thing of the past.  Yes, pregnancy has manifested in icky ways - last Monday I had a pretty crappy day, just because I felt hormonal and restless.  My empathy is in hyperdrive, and it's nearly impossible for me to hear a sad or happy story without really feeling it from the protagonist's point of view - even if it's the protagonist of a 30 second commercial.  But most of the time I feel the kind of joy I only thought possible during moments like when my husband first said I love you, when we were seventeen - only better.  The kind of high on life I previously only felt at a music festival at dusk with my best friends, watching the stars slowly start to come out, knowing that the night ahead was one I'd never forget - only even better.  I now feel that kind of unbridled joy just driving in the car, when a song that reminds me of Darrell comes on the radio.  A warm, buzzing happiness that makes me feel grateful and exceptionally alive, and I can feel it just from sitting next to him on the couch watching Netflix.  That is what being pregnant has really felt like - the best I've ever felt in my entire life, and when I see or hear yet another reminder that having a child will completely change your life, I know that it already has.  

So if you can, try to ignore the negative books (Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy, cough) and if you're in the market for some more positive and uplifting materials about having a baby or being a family, this is a list of my favorite books and blogs that cover those topics.  These are the women and writers who I felt related to how I wanted to approach being a mama-to-be.  

Mommy IQ: The Complete Guide to Pregnancy by Rosie Pope

Great with Child: Letters to a Young Mother

The Glow

Romy & the Bunnies

Love Taza

Bleubird Vintage

Hey Natalie Jean

Hither & Thither

*A little note - this post isn't sponsored or affiliated with any of these blogs or books, I just really enjoyed them and thought they were much better than many of the more popular resources out there.  

maternity style 05

wearing: leggings - isabella oliver, tunic - pink blush maternity, boots - frye (similar), scarf & jacket - nordstrom, old

Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a night that was everything you wanted, complete with the most perfect "When Harry Met Sally" type of kiss.  I was just lucky to make it until midnight awake, but I had so much fun celebrating - especially since we perhaps have more to celebrate than ever.  

I promise to bring the bump back next week (although as is obvious from Tuesday's post, it hasn't gone anywhere) but lately I've kind of been digging these hide-it outfits.  This is a constant equation: lettings + boots + tunic + scarf = and easy outfit for the frigid temps we've had lately in STL.  I wore it to lunch at Blueberry Hill, a St. Louis institution where Chuck Berry still plays regularly and the decor is as hodgepodge as it gets, hence the monkey!  I'm terrible at darts, but it's always hard to resist playing a game or two.  

awkward & awesome tuesday

Awkward:

My skin while I'm pregnant.  Don't they say that you're having a girl if you feel like the baby is stealing all your good looks?  Yeah, this thing is after my previously clear skin, so I'm thinking it may be a girl...

Again, pregnancy brain.  My dogs may not make it through the birth of this child - I forgot Gatsby (YES, AGAIN) this time at the groomer's.  Good thing she didn't mind watching him for a few extra hours...

Crying (uh, maybe a little loudly) for the entire duration of Saving Mr. Banks - WHY are there no Disney movies where at least one person doesn't die?  

Trying to pick somewhere to go out on New Year's Eve - I refuse to pay $60 for a ticket to an all-inclusive party when I won't be drinking!  My requirements are valet parking, ample seating, and nothing too loud.  In other words, my idea of a perfect New Year's Even is pretty much in line with my grandmother's.  

One of my yoga teachers preaching to me about how I should have a natural (read - unmedicated) birth.  I'm fairly sure I pay my doctor for this kind of advice, and I really hate it when women push their way of doing things on other women.  It's a feat to give birth no matter how you plan to do it, and let's just leave it at that!  

Awesome: 

Darrell found a phone right outside our car when we parked to go to dinner one night.  He called a few people in the recent calls, finally reached the owner, and when the man came to meet us at the restaurant to pick it up he paid for our dinner.  It was the sweetest thing ever.  

Waking up around 6 every morning lately.  I know, you wouldn't think this would fall under awesome, but lately I just haven't needed as much sleep.  It's been SO nice to have the extra time in the morning.  

Christmas in general - we have such generous friends & family, and this week we used all the gifts cards (which are the BEST gift) to buy D some new clothes, which were so needed.  He really gets the shaft lately with someone needing maternity everything.  

Buying our baby's crib and rocking chair at Pottery Barn.  My amazing mother bought us a gorgeous crib and helped us out with the purchase of our rocking chair.  They are so gorgeous that I might just assemble the crib next week - although I doubt my husband will let me set it up until closer to April.  If you're curious, we got this crib in espresso, and this rocking chair in parchment twill (both majorly on sale right now).  

maternity style 04

wearing: dress - banana republic, belt - target, pumps - steve madden

This was one of those days when I just didn't feel like advertising "I'm pregnant!" to the world, because let's face it - a bump just makes you something to stare at.  I mean that in the best of ways, I think pregnant bellies are the cutest thing, but sometimes you just don't feel like getting that much attention.  For such days, I believe the formula is tent dress + belt + heels, at least for as long as I can get away with it.  

maternity style/03 - party dressing

We had our little Christmas party this weekend, and although I've already talked about it quite a bit, I did want to share my outfit.  It serendipitously showed up on our doorstep the day of the party, and fit perfectly.  When does that EVER happen!?  

I haven't worn much body-conscious clothing since I've been pregnant, so it was definitely a big "whoa" from everyone when I came out in this Saturday night!  Darrell sees me every day, and even he was surprised by how much the bump stood out.  Truth be told, there is this super awkward stage during pregnancy where you kind of just look like you ate a big meal, so body-con is maybe not the best silhouette, but lately my bump has shown a lot more.  In the past couple weeks I've finally started wearing some of my more fitted maternity purchases.  I LOVED the color of this dress when I saw it, and my mom bought it for me (half off!) from Zulily, but it's still available on Nordstrom!  

wearing: dress-olian maternity, shoes-sam edelman, bracelet-forever 21

*photo credits to my friend joanna bayer, and jess leitch

awkward and awesome tuesday

Awkward: 

Feeling distinctively American when talking to Isabella Oliver's customer service.  “yes, see, I put in the wrong zip code for my order….post code?  is that the same thing?  well sure then, the post code, whatever.”  just get that dress to me lady, even though i am surely not sophisticated enough for your fancy european maternity clothes.

Pregnancy balance issues: oh yeah, I can totally do that yoga pose.  Grab foot, extend leg, fall flat on the floor.  Yeah guys, i’m fine.

Deciding to make homemade red sauce for dinner, them realizing we don't have enough of any one SINGLE type of noodle to eat dinner without mixing then.  I call it "pasta di due" which really sounds better than "half penne half linguine.”

That moment when someone says “I can’t wait to give you the gift I got you!”  and mentally you think "get insert-name-here a gift…"

When the waitress at brunch takes drink orders, and it’s “decaf coffee (me), bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary” and she asks if I’d like to reconsider.  Um, no thanks ma’am, though I would love to have one, I’m pregnant.  Really, this was just awkward for her.


Awesome:

The nesting instinct.  My home life is suddenly a personal contest to try and bake the most things in a week.  So far I’ve made these,  this, and this.  

A double date at the Garden Glow at Missouri Botanical Gardens - it was, just as my husband described it, magical.  There was mistletoe, thousands of twinkling lights, a live band, and so much hot chocolate!

Watching You’ve Got Mail for the 100000th time, hearing Kathleen Kelly say “because when you read a book as a child it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading does” and realizing how very excited I am to start reading to this baby.

The dress I ordered for our party showing up exactly 4 hours beforehand, and having it fit perfectly.  When does that EVER happen?  

Getting together with friends to celebrate Christmas this past weekend.  It was certainly a more low key party than the one we threw last year, but lovely as ever to have everyone we love in our home.  We have another big bash this weekend that we're really looking forward to!  

*Awkward and awesome posts are now going to come with our weekly bump pics!  We snapped this just before heading out to the light show at the botanical gardens, which explains the head to toe long johns and fleece.  

a gift guide for the mama-to-be

So I am not a huge fan of gift guide series' - honestly, I don't know what your husband or your child would like for Christmas, so I won't presume to tell you what to buy them.  However, I do know what I'd love to get as a baby mama-to-be, and I figured I'd share my picks!  

1.  A gorgeous smelling candle, to cover up newly icky smells.    

2.  Harry & David pears - this is a bit of a decadent gift as it's about $40 for 10 pears, but they are the most delicious pears ever!  I crave juicy fruits constantly nowadays, and I'd love to get a box of these.  

3.  Some chic AND comfy booties, to make all my leggings + sweater ensembles cuter.  

4.  A pretty set of Dominos, for playing games on winter nights spent cozied up inside instead of out on the town.  

5.  A pretty scarf, to dress up maternity basics.  

6.  Hunter Wellies in bright red, because they brighten up any rainy day.  

7.  A pretty cross blanket, for taking Sunday naps.  

8.   Rich body butter, for keeping her skin smooth and unblemished.  This one absorbs incredibly well, and has a really lovely, subtle scent.

For the record (hi honey!,) my #1 pick is a prenatal massage, which sounds heavenly right about now.

*FYI - There are no affiliate links in this post.  I just really love these gift ideas!